Lets play War of the Human Tanks

This guide is written in a "Let's Play" format where one of the original developers of the game pretends to be playing the game for the first time.

Chapter 1: 'Sudden Death'

Alright then, let's start by installing the game.

These days, there are a lot of games whose file sizes are pretty big, and it takes rather long to install one of those games from its DVD into a PC. If only they would sell those games on SD cards, not DVDs, so that you can install them a lot faster. Wait, I don't want to pay extra for those SD cards, though. While I'm thinking stuff like that, the installation has finished.

Okay, I'm running the game.

So many Human Tanks with laid-back faces, yet a heroic BGM is playing. I don't really like war games. I wonder if I'll be able to enjoy this (foreshadowing).

Here comes a character that seems to be a Human Tank. Her name's Heshiko. Judging from her appearance, she doesn't seem that smart. Could it be that the Human Tanks all look stupid like her?

An opening video.

After the footage, I learn something about the setting. Apparently, this is a story about a Human Tank war fought between the Empire of Japon and the Kingdom of Japon. Christ, what a simple... no, I mean, what a sketchy setting. The writer must have given up making a detailed plot in the middle. And just who are these Imperial Generals? Are they supposed to be the SEELE from Neon Genesis Evangelion or what? I've seen this sort of stuff in Bleach too.

The first title eyecatch. It sure looks like one befitting a war story. And it says Episode 1, so maybe there's going to be an opening and ending video for each episode? The story is not developing in a very serious manner.

At this point, I finally learn the names of the folk who look like the main characters.
    Shoutaro Daihon'ei: seems to be the protagonist.
    Chiyoko Daihon'ei: Shoutaro's little sister. Choko is her nickname.
    Liselotte Saou: Shoutaro's new man. She looks like an executive assistant.
Oh my goodness, what horrible names! And why do they call the new member by the family name, not the first name from the start? That really bugs me, but I think I'll move on.

Now we're at a battlefield. The story is moving fast. The purpose is to conquer the this 'Ookawahara Battery' sitting near the border. A new Human Tank appears: the Infinite-Range Battery 'Masamune'. Soon after, my first battle begins.

Before moving out, there's a tutorial. According to it, there seem to be five types of Human Tanks in the game. It says 'Command Unit'. Boy, it's totally treated as a tank. Aha, that's why this game is called 'War of the Human Tanks'. Speaking of which, they were counted as units in the scenario part I just went through.

This is a so-called loading screen. Sure looks the part.

At very last, my first battle has started. I'm given an explanation of what to do during the combat, but I'm so not reading any of that! Actually, I'm that kind of person who opens a manual only when I get in trouble. Since this is a simulation game, I think I'll be able to figure out what to do myself while playing it!

It seems you can check the status of a tank unit by clicking on it. First off, I guess I'll see what Heshiko and Masamune are like. Masamune's shooting range is set as infinite... I guess that's why she's called "the Infinite-Range Battery"?

While I'm checking such stuff...

Enemy Unit: 'I don't wanna die!'

I was surprised! I was so surprised! I was so freaking surprised!! Wait, what? Two tanks just disappeared from the field. Like, an enemy tank suddenly showed up and it vanished and one of my tanks is gone too! The message below says 'Your Asahi [X11 Y16] fell silent!'

Even though I keep clicking on the block where the Asahi was, all I get is an error sound.

Well, um, maybe in this game... the tanks die just with one attack?

Wow, that's surreal, so very surreal. And that's so geeky also. This game is way too geeky, man. I just remembered one of these old, hardcore games. So, simply put, you don't know where the enemy tanks are hidden, and if any of your tanks gets discovered it will immediately get destroyed. And besides that, the battle proceeds in real time. That makes me feel as though I were playing one of the Metal Gear Solid games. Well, what surprised me more is that enemy tank yelling she doesn't wanna die as she exploded.

I guess the key to beating this kind of game is attacking before getting attacked.

I'm advancing the tank called 'Mike'. I gather that you're supposed to use this 'Recon' command to seek out enemy tanks. With one use of the command, I found two enemy tanks! But Mike's turn is over. It's very annoying that I can't attack either of them despite having found them. I should probably move another of my tanks to attack either of them. I clicked another Asahi, but her shooting range is so low her attack can't reach either of the enemy tanks. Okay, I'm getting used to these weird names the Human Tanks have.

That aside, I've got to attack. Oh, hey, I have the Infinite-Range Battery. I should use her.

I'm clicking on Masamune. Just as I thought, her attack can reach anywhere! Alright then, I'm gonna have her attack one of the enemy tanks!

Masamune: 'Launching'
Enemy Tank 'It doesn't hurt one bit!'

Jesus! Jesus, Masamune! She destroyed the enemy tank without even moving! Now I feel like I'll be able to easily annihilate the other enemy tanks just using her. I must call her Lady Masamune with due respect from this moment on. By the way, the enemy tank she just destroyed shouted "it doesn't hurt one bit". But she exploded as soon as she got attacked. Aha, I get it, she must have been one of those, you know, a tsundere.

As I'm thinking that...


Not again... Another enemy tank showed up out of the blue and took down another tank of mine. While I was paying attention to Lady Masamune, my Mike up ahead got destroyed. Even worse, the enemy tank went back to UNKNOWN. This must mean that even if one of your Scout Tanks seeks out enemy tanks, they'll return into UNKNOWN when your Scout Tank is taken down. Hmm, it sure is easy to talk about attacking before getting attacked, but it's rather hard to actually do it.

I kept playing while thinking that. ...Oh I just remembered someone mention something about Heshiko before this battle began. Let's click on her.

...Holy moly, her scouting range is infinite!! So, does this mean she can scout any block I want in the field?

Aha, I'm damn right! What's even better is, I don't have to move Heshiko for the Recon command.

And because of her, I found that enemy tank again. I had Lady Masamune gracefully bring her down. Well, Heshiko can do this thanks to the module called 'Inf. Scouting Rng' she's wearing?

Had I used this combination of Heshiko and Masamune from the beginning, none of my tanks would've died. With that in mind, let's see what I have to accomplish in this battle in the first place by clicking on the 'Object' button

Staff officer's suggestion: "Enemy Command Tank is located in the top-left region. Use Heshiko and Mike to find it, then defeat it with Masamune."

My bad, Satou, I totally missed your advice. So I'm supposed to take this enemy Command Tank down to win the battle, huh? Alright then, I'm gonna have Heshiko scout the top-left region as suggested.

One enemy tank has been spotted! Is this one the Command Tank? It's your turn to shine, Lady Masamune, please send the enemy tank up to the heaven!

Hahaha, piece of cake, that's my Lady Masamune..

...Wait what, the battle isn't over yet? I kinda expected this to happen, but what I just destroyed doesn't seem to be the Command Tank. Still, I did learn the ropes, so I'm gonna keep using the combination until I win.

There she is!
I found what looks like the target. Okay, Lady Masamune, the floor is yours!

Masamune: 'Ha.'
=>Enemy 'Hauun.'

I got her! Though I did do it the long way, I finally completed the mission.

Score! Massive victory!!

Apparently what I destroyed last was the Command Tank.

Now that I gained the victory, I'm taken back to the scenario part. Well, looks like this game is all about Lady Masamune shooting distant enemies.

Huh? I feel like something's wrong here.
Oh my god, Lady Masamuneeee!!

I can't believe it. So does this mean I am not going to be able to use her for the next battle?

And it turns out that Ms. Masamune was a Granny Tank. What kind of tank is that!?

But her spectacles and white hair did make her look like a grandma.

And here comes an ending video. As I expected, there is an opening and ending videos for each episode. I need a cola now. Guess I'll go out and buy one.